Can You See Me? Would You Miss Me?

My brother-in-law, James, called to talk about a friend he is concerned about. His friend, lets call him Barry, is in his early 50s and had been unemployed for the past year. Barry's career had been in the music/sound industry. After losing his job over a year ago, he continued to do sound jobs for friends, look for work, write his personal manifesto and pretty much kept to himself. At the end of December Barry's lease on his apartment ends. He has decided to sell his possessions - including his prized sound equipment - and leave civilization to reside in the woods. My brother-in-law wanted to know how to talk with someone is this state. I gave James tips and suggestions from my work on a crisis intervention hotline - don't hesitate to ask Barry if he is planning on killing himself, ask what his plan is, have resources available from Barry's city/county, tell Barry how you feel about his decision, be present, be honest, be authentic, and express love.

James called after visiting with Barry for several hours. Barry, it seems, has developed his own personal form of Buddhism.  According to Barry's version, if this life sucks, prepare yourself for the next one. Barry intends to drive to a wooded area, walk into the woods and give up on his current life in hopes that the next will be an improvement. It was difficult to listen to James try and reconcile Barry's perspective and decision. James is a strong Christian who finds the good in everyone and steps up to help when needed. As we talked on the phone I could hear James' heart breaking as he realized the opportunity to affect Barry's decision was growing smaller each day.

How does a person let another make this life ending decision for themselves? How did humanity come to a place where Barry felt "this" was the best choice for him?

My response to James and his experience talking with Barry was to stay in touch with Barry, continue to remind him that you care and will do what you can to support/assist him. But I also reminded James that Barry is an adult and can makes decisions for himself until an "recognized authority" determines Barry is "unfit" by today's standards to make decisions for himself.

We also talked about where and how Barry would accomplish his goal. We talked about the areas surrounding Barry's home that he might choose, the time of year that we are in (winter), the lack of really, really remote areas that a park ranger, neighbor, or other citizens would not come upon Barry's car and be curious. We talked about the number of places a car can be abandoned and how long it would take "the authorities" to respond to it. We talked about how at this point, Barry's live is in Barry's hands, the next steps if he chooses to take them, will be the consequences of those steps in relation to how society responds.

James is far from settled about the situation. We both wonder how an individual can come this far in their life and not feel they others see them, need them, and would miss them. Barry, for whatever reason, is at that point. How do we let the Barrys of the world come to this without recognizing our interconnection and responsibility to each other?