What a Whirl Wind Life Has Been

The past month has been such a wild whirl wind of joys and sorrows. My family and friends (and me) have experienced the loss of loved ones. Attending funerals brings back memories from 1980 when my older brother died and how important the "process" of saying goodbye. Letting go of those who no longer physically wander on this earth is something that those that continue to wander physically need to experience. However painful that experience might be. I recall what my daughter taught me when she was five years old and my sister's partner had died of leukemia, "Oh Momma," she said, "I know that he was sick and that he is better now. But I just don't know how to live life without him." She remains a insightful, intelligent woman and continues to struggle living without loved ones - even those poor squirrels that get knocked off in the road. That part of her is what makes her so special to many in her life. The Father of my two children died in 2007 while serving in Iraq. His current wife would not permit me to attend the funeral and I chose to not force the issue to respect her wishes and avoid adding to the sorrow my children were feeling. It has been painful to be the ex-wife and manage the loss of an ex-husband. There wasn't a process I could experience and it is still difficult to find a way to live without him. Attending the funeral of a childhood friend's husband helped. My friend honored her husband in such a beautiful way. I envy the love they had for each other and the opportunity she had to say goodbye.

The other side of the whirl wind includes a wonderful four day weekend in northern Minnesota with my partner, sister, brother-in-law, and their 10 week old baby boy. Sleeping in the woods and holding new life is so peaceful and rejuvenating. I must do this more.

Somewhere between the sorrow and joy was the final touches on my dissertation. Today I "defended" and my committee gave me a conditional pass. I've been struggling all afternoon and evening feeling not worthy, feeling like a conditional pass is a BIG FAILURE, that I don't deserve this degree - EVER. Oh, it has been a night of one heck of a pity party! I've finally gotten to the place where I recognize this: my committee are amazing, intelligent, talented teachers/researchers/guides. They want the best out of me and asking for a bit more, because they believe I can give a bit more, is not a failure. A conditional pass is not failure it is "You're almost there." So graduation is delayed a semester. I'm not going anywhere this year. The disappointment is there but not as strong as my determination.

When I look at the big picture, what have I got to complain about? I'm healthy. I'm privileged to be in this doctoral program. I love love love my job. My children are adults and they still like talking to me. Life is good, even in the whirl wind.