Write about one thing you’ve never told anyone and explain why - #postaday2011

I worked for a short period of time at Texas A&M after I finished my master's degree. I was making $26,000 a year and really struggling to make ends me with two kids. I was the Director of Adult and Graduate Student Services. My office was located in the same suite as Off Campus Housing and GIES. Through our shared location I learned a lot about both of the offices. One day the front office phone rang and I was close enough to pick it up. A male caller wanted to know if he could list a room in a house that would be rent-free if the person would help him with his child. They would have to pick the child up for after school care, fix dinner, and some nights get the child to bed. I asked if the space had room for the two kids and the adult and he said it did. I told him I was thinking about it and wanted to meet. It seemed like an option to our dire situation. He suggested that we pack up to stay one night at their place and off we went. Looking back at it now, I hope you can understand how out of the ordinary this type of impulsive move would be for me. I was desperate and didn't know what else to do to make things work for me and the kids.

So, we met at his place. It was a nice three bedroom home with a great yard. We had all already had dinner so the kids played with this man and I talked. He was a stereotypical southern man and I struggled to know verbally attack him. But....the deal was pretty sweet. The kids got ready for bed and I tucked them each in their own bed in one of the bedroom. He tucked his daughter in another bedroom. I was camped out on the couch and he went to bed. A short time after he went to bed he came out to the couch and asked if I was any good a massages. I was a bit uncomfortable with the question and before I could say anything, he placed lotion in my hand and told me to rub his legs. I did both legs and then he went back to his bedroom. I didn't sleep that night. We left quickly the next morning. He wanted us to come back the next night for dinner and told me to leave our things at his place. This wasn't a request and I agreed. After work I drove out to his place and knocked on the door. I'm not sure what causes me to tell the kids to stay in the car, but they did. A woman answered the door in a bathrobe. I asked for the man and he came to the door with a big smile. I asked if I could get my things and announced I would be quick and out of his way in a few minutes. He argued with me and I stood up, with clenched teeth and said, "I will be getting my things and leaving now" and he stepped aside.

We left and never talked about the experience. I began wondering if I could sell a lung, or perhaps a kidney for money. We weren't doing well financially, even with the help of colleagues. The 13 months in College Station, TX were the most frightening, painful, scary moments in my life. I wasn't sure where the solution was. Then, we were involved in a three car pile up and Houston, TX and our car was totaled. That was June 7, 1998 and I decided it was time to get out of Texas. We were gone by August. Life has gotten better every day since.

What a Whirl Wind Life Has Been

The past month has been such a wild whirl wind of joys and sorrows. My family and friends (and me) have experienced the loss of loved ones. Attending funerals brings back memories from 1980 when my older brother died and how important the "process" of saying goodbye. Letting go of those who no longer physically wander on this earth is something that those that continue to wander physically need to experience. However painful that experience might be. I recall what my daughter taught me when she was five years old and my sister's partner had died of leukemia, "Oh Momma," she said, "I know that he was sick and that he is better now. But I just don't know how to live life without him." She remains a insightful, intelligent woman and continues to struggle living without loved ones - even those poor squirrels that get knocked off in the road. That part of her is what makes her so special to many in her life. The Father of my two children died in 2007 while serving in Iraq. His current wife would not permit me to attend the funeral and I chose to not force the issue to respect her wishes and avoid adding to the sorrow my children were feeling. It has been painful to be the ex-wife and manage the loss of an ex-husband. There wasn't a process I could experience and it is still difficult to find a way to live without him. Attending the funeral of a childhood friend's husband helped. My friend honored her husband in such a beautiful way. I envy the love they had for each other and the opportunity she had to say goodbye.

The other side of the whirl wind includes a wonderful four day weekend in northern Minnesota with my partner, sister, brother-in-law, and their 10 week old baby boy. Sleeping in the woods and holding new life is so peaceful and rejuvenating. I must do this more.

Somewhere between the sorrow and joy was the final touches on my dissertation. Today I "defended" and my committee gave me a conditional pass. I've been struggling all afternoon and evening feeling not worthy, feeling like a conditional pass is a BIG FAILURE, that I don't deserve this degree - EVER. Oh, it has been a night of one heck of a pity party! I've finally gotten to the place where I recognize this: my committee are amazing, intelligent, talented teachers/researchers/guides. They want the best out of me and asking for a bit more, because they believe I can give a bit more, is not a failure. A conditional pass is not failure it is "You're almost there." So graduation is delayed a semester. I'm not going anywhere this year. The disappointment is there but not as strong as my determination.

When I look at the big picture, what have I got to complain about? I'm healthy. I'm privileged to be in this doctoral program. I love love love my job. My children are adults and they still like talking to me. Life is good, even in the whirl wind.