Describe the one who got away. #postaday2011

I know what this prompt is asking me to write about - but I refuse. Let me explain. The one who got away isn't someone else, it is me. Partly because of the way I was raised to be - both as a member of my family and also as a female in this society - I got lost for the many years of my life. I was the one that got away because I thought I had to give myself away in order to be: a friend, girlfriend, employee, student, etc. When life got painful enough and I was "away" long enough, I was fortunate enough to find myself again. This wasn't easy - it took years. Things that moved this re-emergence was raising two children, re-entering higher education, and a lot of fear. I recall the day vividly that I looked at myself in the mirror and recognized myself. It scared me to discover myself at the age of 33 years of age - and at the same time it was exhilarating to reappear! Because I was the one that got away - I've worked hard at raising my children to honor and respect themselves. At times I can slip back into ways that don't serve me well and usually it is one of my two children that point this out to me. 

Write about one thing you’ve never told anyone and explain why - #postaday2011

I worked for a short period of time at Texas A&M after I finished my master's degree. I was making $26,000 a year and really struggling to make ends me with two kids. I was the Director of Adult and Graduate Student Services. My office was located in the same suite as Off Campus Housing and GIES. Through our shared location I learned a lot about both of the offices. One day the front office phone rang and I was close enough to pick it up. A male caller wanted to know if he could list a room in a house that would be rent-free if the person would help him with his child. They would have to pick the child up for after school care, fix dinner, and some nights get the child to bed. I asked if the space had room for the two kids and the adult and he said it did. I told him I was thinking about it and wanted to meet. It seemed like an option to our dire situation. He suggested that we pack up to stay one night at their place and off we went. Looking back at it now, I hope you can understand how out of the ordinary this type of impulsive move would be for me. I was desperate and didn't know what else to do to make things work for me and the kids.

So, we met at his place. It was a nice three bedroom home with a great yard. We had all already had dinner so the kids played with this man and I talked. He was a stereotypical southern man and I struggled to know verbally attack him. But....the deal was pretty sweet. The kids got ready for bed and I tucked them each in their own bed in one of the bedroom. He tucked his daughter in another bedroom. I was camped out on the couch and he went to bed. A short time after he went to bed he came out to the couch and asked if I was any good a massages. I was a bit uncomfortable with the question and before I could say anything, he placed lotion in my hand and told me to rub his legs. I did both legs and then he went back to his bedroom. I didn't sleep that night. We left quickly the next morning. He wanted us to come back the next night for dinner and told me to leave our things at his place. This wasn't a request and I agreed. After work I drove out to his place and knocked on the door. I'm not sure what causes me to tell the kids to stay in the car, but they did. A woman answered the door in a bathrobe. I asked for the man and he came to the door with a big smile. I asked if I could get my things and announced I would be quick and out of his way in a few minutes. He argued with me and I stood up, with clenched teeth and said, "I will be getting my things and leaving now" and he stepped aside.

We left and never talked about the experience. I began wondering if I could sell a lung, or perhaps a kidney for money. We weren't doing well financially, even with the help of colleagues. The 13 months in College Station, TX were the most frightening, painful, scary moments in my life. I wasn't sure where the solution was. Then, we were involved in a three car pile up and Houston, TX and our car was totaled. That was June 7, 1998 and I decided it was time to get out of Texas. We were gone by August. Life has gotten better every day since.

How does a culture of fear change people?

I watch and wonder what motivates people a lot. I wonder sometimes if they are paying attention to the choices and effects those choices have on others in the lives. I'm curious how people negotiate and navigate through their daily lives and ignore one of the core motivators in the US....fear. Fear of not getting enough of whatever the current "need" is at the moment, not having the biggest house, biggest car, biggest bank account, extensive wardrobe, excessive number of shoes, more and more toys and games to feel safer and feel better about who they are and what they belong to. Fear of not belonging to a group or the right group, fear of others, fear of others different from us, fear of the unknown....fear is shoved down our throats and jammed into our brains and we aren't awake enough to say enough...bull shit...I'm not buying it. So what happens and how does fear change people? In the work place it makes people control communication and information, it makes people afraid to speak up and talk about the truth that is in front of all, it makes people abusive, inappropriate, bullies, jerks, and many many many with this mentality get promoted to positions where they are provided more access to promoting the culture of fear...and culture that permits us to frame the problem from one perspective, that of those in control. Fear keeps people from getting close, from collaborating, from finding solutions and support collectively. Fear feeds fears and starves our sense of community and care. When competition and the belief of win/lose is the only framework to live within, fear grows faster. When those who believe they are winning act in manners that they believe keep them winning, others are kept away from opportunities, acknowledgement, and a joyful life. It can't be like this everywhere on this planet, if it were we would have killed ourselves sooner than we will at this rate with the US impact on the globe. It weighs heavy on my heart and hurts to imagine the direction we are heading. The similarities between national, state, regional, local and work place politics are not a mistake....they are status quo. When will that be enough? When will shift happen?