Parenting Adult Children - Joy, Privilege, and Laughs

My greatest accomplishment, the thing I am most proud of is how I raised my children. They have become the most amazing adults and I am privileged and honored to be their Momma!

Parenting adult children is something much different than the physical strain and exhaustion that goes with caring/loving little ones. When children can dress themselves for school, drive themselves to school and work, and schedule their own activities a parent hopes they have given them all the lessons they need to be successful in life. If not, a parent hopes that the child will ask for what they need help with to be successful.

Both of my children have done amazing things with their lives and themselves. They have positioned and prepared themselves in ways to say "yes" to the next exciting adventure that come their way. I am very proud of the adult humans they have become.

At times I can beat myself up for the things that didn't go so well as all three of us were growing up together. I moved them - a lot! Some of the relocations were because of my schooling, some their schools, one because of a break-in & burglary, and a few because I couldn't afford to feed us and pay the rent. We moved for jobs after I finished graduate school, we moved to upgrade the house/apartment, but we moved a lot - nine times in twelve years. It took a toll on the kids. They both told me at different times that "They WERE going to graduate from AHS," which meant we would not be moving for a bit. Since they both have graduated from high school, the eldest has had four apartments in seven years (all in the same town I live in); and the youngest three in four years (just three hours away). I think both could be moving again this year. So, while I wish we could have planted roots earlier, they are planted where they completed their high school years. As I said, I can beat myself up over this one - the silver lining is that they learned to be the new kids - a lot - they take care of new kids because they know that feeling, and they are both great a improvising.

I worry sometimes about the ways be being a human that I have taught them:

1. Control = safety. This doesn't work well if there is nothing to be afraid of or if your safety is not a concern. 
2. Accomplishing goals = happiness. It is the journey, not the destination that provides us the choice to be happy or not. Arriving and expected happiness will shower down on us isn't a realistic expectation.
3. Relationships take time and energy, limit how much time you'll give them if you have things to do. This isn't the best way to proceed in the world. Friends, family, and significant others are needed to get through the good and not so good moments, days, weeks, and sometimes months in our lives. Nurture relationships and help them grow.
4. Don't ask for help. We are all in this together. A sign of a healthy adult is the ability to raise your hand and ask for help.

It has been a joy being Liza and Scott's parent. They changed my life and gave me my life back simultaneously. It has been a privilege to watch them grown, change, and become who they were meant to be. Much of who they are comes from me, much comes from their Dad's influences too. And we cannot forget the laughs. The three of us had some many silly moments or days, frequently in the grocery store where they were trying desperately to get me to loosen up. I'm getting better at it now, perhaps we can return and I'll embarrass them?

Thank you Liza and Scott for picking me to be your Mom. Thank you for the lessons about life you've taught me. I am excited about the next year's adventures we will travel on together. I love you!

Mwah, Ahhh!

This holiday feeling...

Maybe it is just me; and maybe I'm a bit off the edge optimistically; but something I have always been troubled by: How is it during the weeks at the end of each year we tend to live the way it seems to me we should live around the year. People tend to be kinder, give more, be less judgmental, and respect and appreciate each other more. So, perhaps this is related to the people I see during my daily or weekly pattern...not the folks that are leading our country or state or university. I'm not around these folks enough to have a sense of their ethics, their level of care for others and how it is that they engage in a community that reside in. I think of this warm, cozy feeling that we are able to conjure up in ourselves for a few weeks and I wonder, where does this come from? Where does it go after the first of the year? What can't we remain in this state of being from more than the annual "celebration of capitalism" that we tend to call Christmas. What happens to us? We kill brain cells on New Year's Eve, hunker down for three months until spring and come out as rude, selfish, jerks. It saddens me that I can see the love and kindness others have for each other, but something keeps us from doing the thing that seems to be what we are here for....loving , caring, and contributing to the care of others. What will it take? When will it click? What can I do to move this feeling into the "norm" of what we are and how we interact? Might you join me and exploring what can be collectively created?

Barry Updates

I spent time with my family over the last few days,  James was also with us. I asked him for an update on Barry. Following his visit with Barry, James contacted a number of mutual friends and discussed what options they have regarding their friend Barry. James learned of Barry's sister and brother (got their names) and did a internet search for their contact information and called Barry's sister. James called and talked with her, starting the conversation by stating something along the lines of - I know you don't know me, but I didn't want to meet you at a funeral and have to say this to you. I'm a friend of your brother Barry and I want you to know what he is planning.... James discussed Barry's plan, shared with her about his recent visit with Barry and encouraged her to intervene also. Barry's sister called their brother (Barry and this brother haven't talked for year) and then she called Barry to inquire what she could do to help. Barry was angry and frustrated and wanted to know which of his friends called her. She didn't let Barry know, but James feels like it won't take him long to figure out who called and really he isn't worried about Barry figuring it out. What vexes James - the friends who haven't talked to Barry directly will continue to have a friendship with Barry. James and Barry's friendship will probably be strained because of what he did - which is everything he could to keep Barry alive. 

What is a friendship worth? Is it worth laying it on the line to keep someone alive? I think so. I'm so amazed with James' actions, care, and his heart. 

My hope is that all of us on this planet could come to the place where we recognize our interconnectedness to each other. Whatever we do ripples out to the universe and the ripples touch others' lives. We must care for each other. We must hold onto each other. We must show our love for each other. It is "that" that keeps us human, alive, and happy.

Barry is staying in his apartment for a few more months, thanks to an extension to his Unemployment Benefits (thanks to the federal government). It makes me curious if he was or would really follow through with this suicide plan. Either way, Barry knows people love him and care about him. Either way Barry has more to consider as he thinks about today, tomorrow, and the days following. I hope that he knows the value of his ounces.